strong

strong

adjective \ˈstrȯŋ\

: having great physical power and ability : having a lot of strength

: not easy to break or damage

: not sick or injured

That’s Webster’s definition.

Cameron was strong. He was strong hearted, strong willed, and physically strong too.

I’m assuming his mental strength was battered, his emotional strength was beaten and torn. His spirits were taken to a level no man could ever handle. And that’s where we’re left.

He was, is, and always will be amazing.

The best on the tables, the best on the bike, the best on the mic.

You intellectual fuck.

So what now? We’re left questioning the definition of strong?

You were strong, but apparently not strong enough for this world. I don’t blame or judge you; as the world doesn’t either. I, along with everyone, am in a state of shock. So strong, Bud. The world was at your hands. But I can never understand how strong the demons you were battling were. They may have won, but overall, you won. You beat them to happiness. You won for the battle of bliss. You take the crown when it comes to who rests best.

You won.

On my end, in moments, you lose some.

You lose by no longer being that hilarity when our family and friends need it.

You lost by taking the heavy cheer for all around you.

You lost the everlasting fight for epiphany from the closest to you.

We lost you meaning, we lost us.

We lost ourselves, our escape, our perpetual pleasure for life. That is what you always brought, and you took that with you.

It makes me sad, furious, empty and sorrowful.

I will never be so joyous to be alive as you made me feel when I felt your presence, saw your smile or heard your laughter. I may have taken those moments for granted out of belief you’d never leave.

Be that as it may, you’ve altered all thoughts when it comes to the intoxication of life.

You have shifted the way we watch flowers grow, how we feel air in our lungs and how we value the light before us.

You won that, Bud.

You win when we laugh, think, cry and feel.

You win when we question existence; feel alone, or feel like there is no other way out.

You win the war against depressed, lonesome, desolate souls.

The crusade that comes with the back and forth words of victory and default, you will always have the shiny gold medal in my world, because you have won my heart.

You have been the rock I needed, the pillow I’ve held, the net to catch me and the laughter I have required.

I am content with being even the semi-smile, sometimes cushion, and partial smirk to your every day perfection.

I’m going back and forth wondering if it was a struggle even worth labelling ‘won’ or ‘lost’.

Regardless, I lost you. And I wish I hadn’t.

The only bit of relief is knowing you have no struggle, no hurt, no fear, no lies, no PAIN to deal with anymore.

You’re at peace, my baby.

My life aspired to be like you. My stupid jokes were only to make you smile and my steps were only to be approved by you.

Thank you for being as perfect as you were, are, and always will be; in my memory, heart, and soul.

Thank you for being the best younger-older brother, and always protecting me; past, present, and future.

Fuck you for making me cry. Again.

But thank you for being the most real, hilarious, cool, down to earth, crazy, short tempered & snappy, over-protective jerk I have ever and will ever know. Even through our differences, THANK YOU for being who you were. I won’t ever forget any moment spent with you. 23 years and beyond, my memory will always be you.

Thank you for caring for Mom. You were always such a mama’s boy, it made me laugh until now. She needs you now more than ever, so don’t ever fade. Thank you for being the sibling people dream of. I can speak for the rest when I say thank you for that. You were the most selfish yet selfless brother anyone could ever have. I always appreciated everything you’ve done for me, done for us.

Thank you for being the son of parent’s dreams. The best at bringing smiles, the best at bringing tears. No one like you.

Thank you for being the best confidant; the only person I could bring a dark secret to. In your scary, dirty room. No one could hear me like you. No one put aside judgment like you. No one will ever know the shit we talked about in that room, no one could understand the bond we shared every time we spoke about secrets; hoes, cars (we couldn’t afford or drive), or clothes. And as much as you bothered me asking repeatedly, you always looked so good before you left the house.

I love you. Nothing makes sense right now. 2 weeks ago. Yesterday. A week ago. Every day is the same.

Painful, draining, empty, weak, low…

Heaven needed you.

I loved you before, I love you now, I will love you forever.

You made life worth living because you were full of happiness, delight, optimism, and amusement.

I miss you and can never express those feelings to anyone. Not even you. I miss you is the most simple way I can put this and it hurts to even say that because it isn’t a statement that has any realness behind it.

I love you more than anything I could ever write, more than anything I could ever say, more than anything I could ever dream.

You came into this world to impact it like you have and you’ve left it more impacted than your existence. I love you for that.

You have amazing friends; some incredible. Your effect on so many people has left me in awe. Your beam has hit so many souls it’s hard to explain. Your smirk alone brought weakness to the strongest of people. Who could do that? Only you.

You, solely, have been the best person to know. Hands down. That’s all it is.

You are and always will be the reason I push, the reason I make sense of every situation, the most important person in my world as you always were.

Forever on my neck, lightly resting on the center of my chest, I promise and know I will see you again.

I love you, I miss you, I am you.
I love you, Cameron. Always and forever.

Never goodbye; I’ll catch ya lata, Bud.
—
Chloé Rhule